My last "vacation" for the purpose of relaxation was in 2008.
I like to work. I like to work a lot. I enjoy the feeling of being productive, and of knowing that I have accomplished something tangible each day. I have, in fact, been known to move on from particular paid positions not because I don't like them, they don't pay enough, or the people are mean, but because I don't feel like I have met a goal or made a difference somehow every single day. I do understand that this is a bit ludicrous. I think perhaps it's an illness.
Last year I spent all my vacation time (and then some) on a mission trip to Ethiopia. It was 100% worth the time, but it was far from a vacation. I came back more physically and emotionally exhausted than I had been for months, even years perhaps. The year before last I had just started a new job, and worked through the year without taking a "real" vacation. Prior to that, I spent all of my vacation time on mission trips to various domestic locations and to Grenada in the West Indies. Yes, throughout these years I took a day or two to visit friends and another day or two for special events, but never a day just for rest.
I have to pause the vacation talk here and say that I have had, in total, about 6 weeks off over the last 5 years due to illness and injury. First, my kidneys stopped functioning correctly. Then, I injured my back. Next, I had the Killer Flu. Then, the kidneys again. And most recently, I had a minimally invasive procedure on my lower back for the injury that reoccured. I can't say that it didn't occur to me that my work schedule and my refusal to "just take a break" contributed to my health issues. In fact, it was pointed out to me by family, friends, and coworkers every time I had an episode. Somehow, though, being sick just caused me to feel like I needed to work harder to prove myself. How could I disappear for a week and not come back stronger than ever and ready to not only catch up from my absence but complete the work in front of me with renewed vigor? Again, I understand that this is ludicrous. And again, it might be just another illness.
After my last crash and burn at the workplace due to the stress of the Trial and the list of clients whose lives I felt responsible for, I decided to take a few weeks off from work. Knowing that I'd be packing, moving, starting school, and signing myself up for various other commitments just because that's the person I am, I imagined the break would be more of a transition than a vacation.
I also knew that I needed some time to be commitment-free. I think that as active participants in this society, we feel pressure to live up to a standard of production that can wear out our bodies and minds if we aren't careful. We need more than a 60-minute jog every afternoon on a treadmill to still our spirits. We need real, commitmentless rest, and we need it more than once every five years.
So today, when I woke up in my old room at my parents' home to the sound of the 7:30 am train (not to an alarm clock, mind you), I crawled out of bed, poured a bowl of cereal, and made myself comfortable on the couch. I watched 2 reruns of a terribly hilarious sitcom, took a bike ride with my sister, and indulged myself with a 2-hour nap. I spent a couple of hours in the kitchen chopping vegetables and singing to my favorite Death Cab for Cutie album. I grilled on the patio and watched the sun start to set, and then sat in the living room and laughed with my family. I watched 6 more reruns of the ridiculous sitcom. I ignored phone calls. I was asked to participate in a group outing, and I said no.
14 hours later, I feel delightfully unaccomplished today.
Yes, beginning today I will start taking more time to rest. I will listen to my body, mind, and soul when they say it is time to slow down, and I will not feel guilty for this. I will still work with passion and dedication and energy, and I will still probably overcommit and overwork myself. But I will promise myself more deep breaths, more moments of stillness, and more days like today. And I will try to live up to that promise.
Try.
I like to work. I like to work a lot. I enjoy the feeling of being productive, and of knowing that I have accomplished something tangible each day. I have, in fact, been known to move on from particular paid positions not because I don't like them, they don't pay enough, or the people are mean, but because I don't feel like I have met a goal or made a difference somehow every single day. I do understand that this is a bit ludicrous. I think perhaps it's an illness.
Last year I spent all my vacation time (and then some) on a mission trip to Ethiopia. It was 100% worth the time, but it was far from a vacation. I came back more physically and emotionally exhausted than I had been for months, even years perhaps. The year before last I had just started a new job, and worked through the year without taking a "real" vacation. Prior to that, I spent all of my vacation time on mission trips to various domestic locations and to Grenada in the West Indies. Yes, throughout these years I took a day or two to visit friends and another day or two for special events, but never a day just for rest.
I have to pause the vacation talk here and say that I have had, in total, about 6 weeks off over the last 5 years due to illness and injury. First, my kidneys stopped functioning correctly. Then, I injured my back. Next, I had the Killer Flu. Then, the kidneys again. And most recently, I had a minimally invasive procedure on my lower back for the injury that reoccured. I can't say that it didn't occur to me that my work schedule and my refusal to "just take a break" contributed to my health issues. In fact, it was pointed out to me by family, friends, and coworkers every time I had an episode. Somehow, though, being sick just caused me to feel like I needed to work harder to prove myself. How could I disappear for a week and not come back stronger than ever and ready to not only catch up from my absence but complete the work in front of me with renewed vigor? Again, I understand that this is ludicrous. And again, it might be just another illness.
After my last crash and burn at the workplace due to the stress of the Trial and the list of clients whose lives I felt responsible for, I decided to take a few weeks off from work. Knowing that I'd be packing, moving, starting school, and signing myself up for various other commitments just because that's the person I am, I imagined the break would be more of a transition than a vacation.
I also knew that I needed some time to be commitment-free. I think that as active participants in this society, we feel pressure to live up to a standard of production that can wear out our bodies and minds if we aren't careful. We need more than a 60-minute jog every afternoon on a treadmill to still our spirits. We need real, commitmentless rest, and we need it more than once every five years.
So today, when I woke up in my old room at my parents' home to the sound of the 7:30 am train (not to an alarm clock, mind you), I crawled out of bed, poured a bowl of cereal, and made myself comfortable on the couch. I watched 2 reruns of a terribly hilarious sitcom, took a bike ride with my sister, and indulged myself with a 2-hour nap. I spent a couple of hours in the kitchen chopping vegetables and singing to my favorite Death Cab for Cutie album. I grilled on the patio and watched the sun start to set, and then sat in the living room and laughed with my family. I watched 6 more reruns of the ridiculous sitcom. I ignored phone calls. I was asked to participate in a group outing, and I said no.
14 hours later, I feel delightfully unaccomplished today.
Yes, beginning today I will start taking more time to rest. I will listen to my body, mind, and soul when they say it is time to slow down, and I will not feel guilty for this. I will still work with passion and dedication and energy, and I will still probably overcommit and overwork myself. But I will promise myself more deep breaths, more moments of stillness, and more days like today. And I will try to live up to that promise.
Try.
“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” - John Lubbock |
I can use this post as a gentle reminder in the future, right? My favorite part is "commitmentless rest." I like that a lot.
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